So Very Tired

So today is 9 days past our transfer, and if not for the holidays, would have been the day that we had our first beta. It sucks that we have to wait a couple extra days because of holiday hour closures etc. but in the end, a few days isn’t the end of the world. Feels that way a little bit right now simply because I’m so full of anxiety, but time will pass and next thing I know we’ll be anxiously awaiting beta #2.

That’s how it works anyway right!? Once you’re past one milestone, you’re simply worrying about the next… and the next… and the next. It’s never ending. If I can learn to let go a little bit now it’ll only serve me better in the long run. But it’s hard. Very hard.

See the thing about battling infertility is that you feel as though your body has failed you. You lack trust in your system knowing what to do, and also in its ability to do it. So yes I’m pregnant, but for that reason I’m struggling to really accept and enjoy it. Instead I’m filled with doubts about the viability, doubts about my immune system rejecting our baby(ies), doubts about whether my body is producing enough of the hormones to sustain another life (or lives). Add onto that the fact that I’m still on pills and injections reminding me daily that I can’t do this on my own really.

Any woman who has gone through infertility and come out the other side knows all too well what I’m talking about. Above all else I am so very grateful to be standing where I’m standing. Do not get me wrong on that front for one second. I would have given my left arm to make it this far. But now that I’m here, I also feel so very scared to lose it all. I’ve learned to protect my heart over the years, learned to be strong… but this is new territory, and unchartered for me. So it’s overwhelming, and it’s consuming.

I wish I could just relax and enjoy it. I really do, but I’m not going to be able to. It probably isn’t helping matters that I continue to test. Those test strips are a gal’s best friend and worst enemy all at the same time. Sure they can offer comfort… but they can also cause confusion and concern. See I have been testing mostly morning and afternoon. My morning tests are generally a bit lighter than my afternoon tests. No clue why, but consistent at least. However, lately I’ve been drinking a LOT more water, and my line isn’t getting super dark like I’ve seen other women’s. So of course I start to wonder! Does this mean my beta hcg isn’t doubling? Does this mean that my pee is just too diluted? Does this mean absolutely nothing? Does this mean I’m having a chemical? Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

“Okay, breathe”, I tell myself repeatedly. And sometimes it works. Most times it doesn’t.

The only saving grace is in the moments I feel pregnant. The moments of nausea or fatigue that take over. I welcome those moments with open arms. But it’s early days, and those moments aren’t consistent, so the lack of their presence can also cause alarm. All in all, I’m a bit of a basket case currently. The light of the end of the tunnel is beta 1, and it can’t come soon enough.

xo

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